Identity

I googled “identity” just now. The first definition to pop up states: “the fact of being who or what a person or thing is.”

Fact. The fact of being who or what a person or thing is. Fact. Okay, got it.

So, I just googled “fact.” Here’s what pops up: “a thing that is known or proved to be true.” Okay. So a person’s identity is the thing that is known or proved to be true about about that person. I’m following.

Okay, let’s look up one more definition, just for kicks and giggles. How about “proved.” Here’s what I found: “demonstrate the truth or existence of (something) by evidence or argument.” Interesting… So, in order to prove something, like identity, if you will, it needs to be demonstrated by evidence or argument. Interesting. Evidence or argument.

So, what we know, by these definitions, is that identity is a thing that is proved, by evidence or argument, to be true about a person’s being. Basically. Give or take.

I attained my Master’s degree in Communication from Portland State University just three short years ago, and one of the most valuable lessons I learned in that program was this: what constitutes as “truth” and “fact” actually changes — it changes throughout time, and it changes between people — individuals and/or groups of people — according to the bodies of knowledge a person or group of people consults, according to the belief system to which a person or group ascribes, according to the authority a person or group of people looks to for guidance, and often, according to the majority rule. I think many of the world’s challenges — maybe all? — can be traced back to the reality that millions of people around the world hold differing “truths” and “facts” that often contradict each other, and people struggle with that contradiction. Because, as one of my old friends said to me when disapproving and disregarding my personal lived truth, people “just want truth to be truth.”

A simple example of a changed “truth” or “fact” — one that everyone knows — is that we once knew the earth was flat. We knew it. Now we know it is round. There is no question by most people today — the earth is round. However, even this is being argued by a group of people who still ascribe to an old set of “facts” — a set of facts that everyone used to ascribe to long ago, that said the earth was flat. In this case, truth — as most people know it — has changed based on newer scientific evidence and majority rule. While the flat earthers might operate under an out-dated set of facts, due to majority rule, our world as a whole functions off the premise that the earth is round.

I believe that our identity, early in life, is informed by what we’re taught about ourselves and what is normalized in our own little worlds. As a small child, you’d probably hear me say that I was a sister, a stuffed-animal lover, a daughter, a friend, a Mormon, and a child of God. That was my identity. I could prove those things, as evidenced by my day-to-day experiences and what I knew in my heart I loved (like stuffed animals — I was obsessed. I even tied a miniature stuffed bear to my wrist for days, because it brought me such comfort). In our really early days, when we’re not exposed to much outside the four walls of our own home, we often think everyone in the world has the same identity as we do, the same lived experience — the same reality — because it’s literally all we know. The more experiences and bodies of knowledge we’re exposed to, the more our identities might shift or expand, because we’re able to, by personal trial and error, recognize what makes us us. What we do like, what we don’t like. What feels good, what doesn’t feel good. What gives us energy, what doesn’t give us energy. What makes us laugh, and what makes us cry. What moves us towards growth and what makes us recoil and shrink down.

Here’s where it gets interesting. Sometimes, often times, we’re born into structures that ascribe to a certain set of truths, and those truths may contradict another set of truths we discover later in life, with which we might more closely identify.

From birth, I was taught that the core and most important aspects of my identity were: being a child of God, being a Mormon, being a follower of Jesus, being a woman, and under the umbrella of Mormon womanhood comes being a wife (to a man) and mother (by natural child birth if possible), AKA — being straight. These were the KEY aspects of my identity. Under my Mormon body of knowledge, I was taught that the president of the Church spoke directly with God, was the prophet for the whole world (whether people believed he was or not) and therefore, I needed to always follow his teachings and direction. I was taught a very heteropatriarchal idea of God, and honestly, a white supremacist idea of God (more on these ideas of God in another post). I was taught that only cis men can hold God’s special authority and power here on earth, known as the priesthood. I was taught that motherhood is just as special and important as the priesthood. That motherhood was a woman’s divine calling and purpose in life. I was taught directly and indirectly that being straight was the only appropriate way to be. In fact, being gay wasn’t a real identity at all. By the time I got to college, and the church was forced to address “homosexuality” with a softer tone, it became same-sex attraction, or, SSA as many Mormons like to call it. So, basically, straight people suffer from SSA, like it’s a disease. I operated under such strict rules and “truths” about what it means to be spiritual, what it means to believe in God, who God is, my relationship to God, what it means to be a good person, what it means to be worthy, what it means to be a woman, what it means to be faithful, etc. etc. I did not get to choose any of it. I was born into a system that ascribed to a specific set of truths. And who was I to question? This was my world. It was all I knew. It was ingrained in me from birth. And with a mixture of really positive experiences inside that structure, and also a fear of the consequences of ever leaving, I stayed. I stayed for a long time. Because it was true to me. It was what I knew. It was the truths I’d been taught for the longest amount of time, with the most consistency, from the people I trusted most.

Except, a lot of it didn’t sit well with me. The older I got, the more I was exposed to other truths — other bodies of knowledge outside of the Mormon body of knowledge. Some of these other truths and bodies of knowledge felt more right in my body, mind, heart, and soul. Obviously, one big new truth I was exposed to was the truth that being gay is actually a normal form of sexuality — that it’s not a disease or mental illness, not something I have to try to overcome, or just live with like a broken arm hoping one day it is fixed in the afterlife. I could actually be gay, and like…BE gay! And it could improve my life immensely. According to the Mormon body of knowledge, this is impossible. It’s against God’s law. It’s just not an acceptable truth. But, it felt more true to me. It felt right in my body, mind, heart, and soul.

Identity. Identity is why I left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and identity is why some people stay. For some people, the Mormon truths sit well with them. People’s minds, bodies, hearts, and souls, align with all the truths and teachings they learn in the church. The idea of God, their relationship to God, their purpose in this life, all the truths that have been mapped out for them under the Mormon body of knowledge, ring true to their souls. They can likely prove that these beliefs are who they are, because evidence — in their world of lived experience and spiritual feelings and promptings — have told them that those things are true. That is there identity. That is who they are.

For me, well — it was my identity for a time. Until other bodies of knowledge and truths were presented to me, and it felt better. It clicked. How do you describe such a feeling? It’s next to impossible. You just feel it in your bones. Kind of like that spark between two people who are falling in love — you can’t quite name it or quantify it or define it — it just feels right. For me, the old truths — some that once felt right about myself and some that never quite felt right about myself, but were all I knew from birth — no longer felt as right and I could no longer convince myself that they were right. Some of them felt completely wrong, and some just felt less right than the new truths and bodies of knowledge I was presented. The more I’ve lived and operated under these new sets of truths, the more I’m able to prove that this is my identity, as evidenced by my happiness, my peace, my better mental health, my joy, my attunement to my body, my confidence, my empowerment, my spirituality, my attunement to others, my ability to function and take care of myself. Identity is the reason I left. I can no longer function under the Mormon paradigm. I no longer fit into the identity it created for me.

So who am I now? Currently, these are some of the most important aspects of my identity:

I am queer, I am a spiritual being, I am a lover, I am a sexual being, I am an intersectional feminist, I am a friend, I am a social justice advocate, I am an empath, I am a communicator, I am a nature seeker, I am a cis woman who stands powerful and strong — independent from men, I am an open-hearted being, and I am a creator of my own magic and possibility.

This is who I am today.